Well, I'm back. Former crisis ended. New crisis has taken it's place. But that's not why I'm here. I've got a lot on my mind; a lot of shit to bitch about. You'll get my rants more often, provided my empty head can remember all the shit I need to get back in here again.
     That's my immediate problem right now. Where the HELL has my brains gone? Why can I see the problems I'm going to cause myself by my actions, or lack thereof, and still not avert them? My latest crisis is my electric bill. Well, budgeting my finances to pay the goddamn bill. Well, my inability to do so and, even if I actually could budget, stick with the damn thing.
     Alright, here's the scoop. Since my licensed co-existant (spouse, ha ha) isn't working and is currently having health issues, I have to support my family of 3 on $900 a month. We get food stamps, but no help with the bills because "we have too much income". Yeah, makes sense, huh? Well, when I add up the regular expenses I shouldn't have a problem, but then I have to add household necessities, gas, pet needs and some food supplement.
     You know what? I SUCK!  I should be able to do it. Where the hell did I go wrong? Why does it seem like I can't make ends meet? Here's a list of what I have to do with $900:

Lot rent, electic/gas, cable/tele/internet, comp payment, car insurance should be in here, but if I pay that then I can't get the following: gasoline, toilet paper, dish soap. laundry detergent (fabric softener bar every 3 months), house cleaners, cat food and litter, supplement the food (you may think $481 is enough for the month, but that depends on how healthy I want the family to eat, have you SEEN the cost of healthy food?)
Then there's the other needs I have to squeeze in: clothes for my ever-growing daughter (whose hit puberty, oy!), school clothes (she has special requirements), car maintenance (which suffers so bad it's a wonder my van still keeps going), and a few other things she needs.
ALSO, somewhere in all that I still have to figure out how to pay for her dental co-pay, the old fart needs dental care really bad, I need to get decent dentures (my mouth hurts all the time with my plate in), I desperately need to get an eye exam and new glasses (I need bifocals, now. Goddamn middle-age!).
Now, the spouse does get some medical care via the VA, but he's in a "gray area" and doesn't qualify for dental, vision, or hearing.  My Medicare/Medicaid no longer covers vision unless I have an illness that directly affects vision and the dental coverage gives only the bare basics. My denture is Medicaid, that's why it doesn't fit worth a shit.

I could go on and on and on and...well, you get the point.

What I just don't understand is WHY I can't make it. I should be able to cover my important stuff, but somewhere something happened. I saw a bonus coming and, stupidly, relied on it, only to get screwed. By then it was too late. Whenever I make plans, I get screwed. Now I'm in a position where I can't get caught up. Tomorrow my electric get shut off. DHS won't help and all the community resources are out of funding. The utility can't do anything. I've fallen and I can't get up, and there's no one to help.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I do it? I can see that I should be able to, but I can't do it. Can someone please tell me what the hell is wrong with me?

LIFE, YOU SUCK! I HATE YOU! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY?

When will I be able to LIVE, not merely exist?